Let’s Talk About Sex
SEXUAL SHAME INHIBITS OPEN, INFORMATIVE CONVERSATION
Have you noticed that when sex is talked about openly people feel uncomfortable? This is because of sexual shame. Many layers have been delivered from the time we were born.
I hold classes to help people remove this embarrassment and shame so they can talk more openly with partners, lovers, and even friends.
I’m going to talk about it now, and I will let you know if I feel any embarrassment as I go. (more…)
Sexual Scanning of People & Body Parts
When he or she looks at others as if you aren’t even present.
Having compassion for men who sexually scan may seem to be incompatible with our cultural shaming of men who do this. But it isn’t just an eye candy thing where they lift their energy a little for a brief period. It’s a search for something that will fill in the emptiness. It is a practice of avoidant attachers who haven’t been able to create a securely attached, ideal relationship, and so continue to feel a need they can’t meet. (more…)
6 Tips for a Healthy Sex Life
Six Tips for Creating a Healthy Sex Life
Tip 1. Talking. With partner, or with others if not in relationship or dating. Introducing conversation will allow you to bring down the shame associated with talking about sex in an open, non-erotic way. People who have difficulty can’t talk about what they like, fear of performing, and so on. It is good to talk with others who are also learning how to talk.
You can look at things like how you get aroused, how your partner does, how you feel about orgasms, and all your attitudes that will help to have out in the open. (more…)
Shaming Prevents Taking Responsibility
SHAME IS OUR WORST ENEMY WHEN WISHING TO LEAD A LIFE OF INTEGRITY
Shame, that dreadful emotion that includes feeling badly about oneself, or believing that we have been harmful, is actually a horrible obstacle to taking responsibility for what we have done and setting out to correct it.
Our culture seems to think that shaming people will actually change them. Well, it might change behavior. If someone knows that they will be the butt of shaming looks and comments they will not perform certain acts. But they haven’t actually changed. (more…)
When Arguments Go Circular
BACK AND FORTH, AROUND AND AROUND – HOPELESS
A big issue for couples are these arguments where the shaming goes around and around. One starts, the second responds in kind. First is one example, and then the kinds of circular arguments.
Shame and defensiveness is the cause of this kind of arguments. They go around and around, and cannot resolve the issue in front of them.
He gets drunk, comes home. She finds this offensive, and has expressed this many times in the past.
She says get away from me, you’re drunk (more…)
Is Conforming a Good Thing or a Bad Thing?
IS CONFORMING GOOD?
The answer is: it can be a good thing, supportive of community, as long as you don’t sacrifice in order to conform. It can be harmful to you when done to avoid feelings of shame, of not fitting in, and wanting to be “good.”
Conforming to the rules or expectations of others without examining them can lead to all kinds of hidden rebellion that may violate your own values. (more…)
The Wrong Side of the Bed – Make Use of a Bad Day
You may be feeling good enough about life that you don’t need psychotherapy, yet you might occasionally feel really badly without knowing why. Perhaps you know that it will soon pass, or by the next day, and so you wait it out. But it doesn’t feel good.
I would like to suggest using those negative emotions to actually change the causes of them.
This is an approach that can make your life feel so much better. And, it is one of the skills that will allow you and your future mate to be transparent with each other, and accepting of the other. It is one of the major areas for preparation for love.
Your Siblings Loved You and Hated You Too
SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS CAN IMPACT LOVE RELATIONSHIPS, TOO.
The emotions, conflicts, and relating styles can be projected onto lovers in the same way they are from relationships with parents. This may greatly broaden your source of information.
When recovering from addiction, childhood trauma, difficult marriages, and depression, parenting has been an obvious source of understanding why we do what we do. Self help books have addressed trauma healing, addiction healing, and most aspects of a troubled life. (more…)
Why is Avoidant Attachment So Hard to Stop?
Avoiding others and not attaching is designed to make us feel secure. Odd, isn’t it? We have to take a look at how avoiding attachment actually did serve us at one point, and how it no longer does.
Attachment theory has identified three basic kinds of attachment
Secure – this is the ideal where people remain together for life and have a supportive, well functioning relationship.
Anxious – the individuals are needy, anxious, clingy, and depend heavily on the partner.
Avoidant – Those with this kind of attachment style keep distance from the partner, and from others in his or her life. (more…)
CNL Gatherings – An Open, Honest, Non-Shaming Community
OPEN, HONEST NON-SHAMING COMMUNITY
CreateNewLove.com is for those who want to learn the skills of relationship creation before entering a relationship. And it has another purpose. That is establishing a community of people who want to be honest with each other, who don’t want to play games, act like they are someone they aren’t, and be accepted by everyone else.
The Gatherings we are creating are designed to do just this! Each person will have read Create New Love, and will have seen the videos and listened to the podcasts. Each person will be committed to learning how to eliminate the dreadful feeling of shame. (more…)