6 Tips for a Healthy Sex Life

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Six Tips for Creating a Healthy Sex Life

Tip 1. Talking. With partner, or with others if not in relationship or dating. Introducing conversation will allow you to bring down the shame associated with talking about sex in an open, non-erotic way. People who have difficulty can’t talk about what they like, fear of performing, and so on. It is good to talk with others who are also learning how to talk.

You can look at things like how you get aroused, how your partner does, how you feel about orgasms, and all your attitudes that will help to have out in the open.

Talking takes off the sexual shame. It can be called embarrassment but that is just a form of shame.

Tip 2. Accept yourself as you are even if you want to change things. Good to accept yourself, rather than trying to meet someone else’s needs or desires. You get to accept yourself as you are as a first step in learning how to use sex well.

You may choose to not use sexualizing, fantasy, or porn because they interfere with the best use of sex. But trying to shame yourself out of their use isn’t a useful way to go about changing. First you can see that you are fine as you are now.

Tip 3.Look at the crazy rules our culture has put on us. We have many rules about sex that are integrated into our culture. I have lists in my book, Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Energy: Revised.

One is that men have to be good lovers. Good in bed and always ready to be accepted by the culture. When people use their sexuality well, there isn’t any such thing as a good lover. A second rule is that only thin, sexy people are sexual. Not true! Many of them aren’t actually enjoying sex very much, which obese people may be enjoying it a lot.

Another rule is that flirting is innocent. It isn’t when you are in a relationship to flirt with anyone else. It violates the deepest monogamy.

Sex is love: this is believed to be true by so many people. It can be a wonderful expression of love, a way to exchange of love, but just the act, and the agreement, does not mean that the partner loves you, or is proving love for you. Sex does not prove emotion.

The last rule: We must be monogamous, or not have sex with anyone else. When this is followed as a rule, people often then want to break it. Instead, we can discover monogamy from the inside out. This is when sex with anyone else just isn’t of interest. Sexual healing can lead to this. It provides safety to both people.

Tip #4: Look at history to see how it influenced your sexuality. Religion can be harmful, even while carrying some value. Shaming sex by religious leaders is very harmful, laying more shame onto this aspect of humanity. Also, every person has sexual shame from history and living in this culture. No one was able to discover masturbation for the first time, and then tell people delightedly.

Tip #5.  Giving up the idea that performance has any role in love making. You can elect to, of course, but if the focus is on your relationship, then you wouldn’t want to perform. You get to discover what is going on each time you are together. It might be just holding each other, or perhaps having lots of intercourse. You don’t decide, or know, ahead of time. You discover! Performing according to some formula about how sex should be interferes with this best use of sex.

Tip #6. Understand the power of sexual “glue.” When sex is included into a relationship, it makes you into a couple. It’s a form of glue that changes the relationship. You are the only one. It’s the two of you. Taking this connection into account, and grasping that you are really in love, needs to be honored. If you realize that your hormones and brain actually changed when you make this connection, then you can respect the intensity of what is going on.

This glue brings on wanting to be together, wanting to be open and honest, transparent, with each other, and form a life together. We can respect the intensity by the amount of pain when the other ends it.

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