Loneliness, Isolation, Feeling Separate
Do you feel lonely, or as if you are alone even when around others? Do you feel different from others, and not understood? Does it seem to make no sense, as others seem to be engaging openly and seem satisfied with how things are?
Loneliness, isolation, separation, and alienation are caused by our culture. It begins with imperfect childhood attachments, and extends in a culture in which everyone lies and unconsciously subscribes to rituals and behaviors that actually keep us apart instead of bring us closer.
We all have many ways of avoiding that unpleasant feeling. Addictions take one away from negative feelings. Becoming occupied in something important, or creative, or meaningful can offset the sense of isolation. But when the project stops, or when you give up the addiction, you may be left with an empty sense, wondering what is life all about.
This sense of separation comes from the way we attach to others. This began the day we were born. Even good parents are subject to the culture, and don’t fully know how to be with a baby or child. Good childhoods are still fraught with deprivation of love and attention, and a genuine understanding of our needs and how to meet them. Parents can read every book on how to parent, but the culture still overrides. This leaves each of us trying to figure out how to lead a full, rich life connected to others. It is not an easy task! Those of us who came from more severely neglectful and abusive childhoods have an even greater task. However, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US SUFFERS SOME SENSE OF ALIENATION FROM OTHERS. This is because the culture creates it.
I belong to a small group of people who are facing each aspect of becoming healthy. This includes emotional, physical, spiritual, and social discovery. We are working toward being transparent in a boundaries way, revealing ourselves, being honest, all from a place of wanting the best for everyone.
I introduce these understandings and skills in therapy groups. Create New Love: How Men and Women can Prepare for a Lasting Relationship explains more of this.
This alienation is what makes people get married when it isn’t correct, and to stay in marriages when it isn’t correct. If we feel whole and connected to a group, then a love relationship isn’t anywhere near as important. So let’s start here – loving and being loved by many! Then you will be SAFER because you won’t need to sacrifice or settle.
And there is more!
Why is Avoidant Attachment so Hard to Stop?
