Why We See Sex as Dirty, Nasty, in the Gutter, Naughty….
Odd how everyone agrees that sex belongs in the gutter, when we call it love making. Men are more socially required to see it this way in order to override their sexual inhibitions and remain lustful. Women are less likely to go to the sexual gutter, and as the good, pure gender, don’t have to. They are torn between wanting to be sexual beings, but don’t like the shameful labels, or giving sex up to avoid the labels.
These labels are harmful to both genders!
Let’s make sex clean, out of the gutter, good (not naughty) and certainly not nasty. Then it can be love making.
Richard is the main character in my Transformational Fiction novel, Dirty Sex or Clean Sex. He feels so much sexual shame that he can only have sex with a woman he seduces once. Then he starts feeling so uncomfortable that he stops seeing her. This changes when he finds a “dirty sex” woman, Paula, who wants anything kinky or not, any time. But after a few times, he feels uncomfortable dating a woman who he doesn’t want to introduce to his friends or do more than dinner and sex with. In this excerpt he starts to learn about the reasons for this.
It was time to buy a new car. I liked my Mercedes sedan, but now I could afford the sports car. Or any sports car almost. I went from dealership to dealership driving anything I would consider buying, and even those I couldn’t afford.
I felt pumped up, excited. Distracted. I didn’t have to think about Paula while I considered which car to get. I got high thinking about cars, and then driving the one I bought. Whipping down toward the airport or across one of the floating bridges in the middle of the night, watching for cops, not even caring if I got caught.
I searched for hot women everywhere. I flirted. I charmed. But then I rejected. Might as well do it now. No point putting in the time knowing that it was going to end badly. But still, the searching distracted from my internal struggles. I couldn’t think about my happily married friends when I launched back into my old way of life with added vigor and intensity.
I didn’t see Paula for a couple of weeks. My car gave me enough thrill. Taking clients and friends for rides was great. She was in the back of my mind, though.
I searched out books and articles about sexual shame, and came up with an interesting concept. The author called it the “shame compartment.” I think she was on to something. She said that we are all carriers of sexual shame, as evidenced by calling it dirty and nasty and naughty. In the gutter. She said that women tend to have difficulty with “dirty sex,” and men seem to need to see it that way. This is one of the reasons why men seem to want more sex than women. They can be sexual in ways that are congruent with the experience of sexual “nastiness.” Women have to have nice, good sex so they don’t experience shame.
Men get in the shame compartment, she says, by making it dirty and bad. They operate in a way that is congruent with nastiness. If they stay out of the shame compartment, then they feel shame. This might be why so many guys go right to sleep after. They avoid shame with sleep, once they can’t use arousal to get in the shame compartment, and turn off the experience of shame.
This could be why I liked to seduce “good” girls into having sex, but once they did, I felt like I had abused them in some way by getting them to do this “shameful,” dirty thing.
Paula, on the other hand, lived in sexual shame, too. So I didn’t feel as if I had made her be shameful. So I could be myself, I could be honest, and I could go back for more.
The implication was that I thought sex was shameful. That didn’t seem right, though. What made it shameful? I didn’t feel badly while doing it. I guess leaving a girl’s place right after was a sign. My form of going to sleep.
And what about not being able to introduce Paula to my friends? Not wanting to think I was with a slut? That’s suppose to be a one time thing that you bragged about back in high school. Not something a respectable adult man would continue to get off on.
What about porn? No one talks about it but you know everyone has gone on the net. Every one has explored to see if their arousers have been filmed. Did we ever talk about that in my group of friends and their wives? Of course not.
I was admired for getting a series of lovely ladies. But what did they imagine I did in bed with them? Missionary with a little oral thrown in? All in the dark?
The rest of the story is in Dirty Sex or Clean Sex, on Kindle. Richard discovers the reasons why he could only be aroused by “dirty” sex, and how to go about healing.