Great Sex, Little Love

A myth running through our culture is that if the sex is amazing, the relationship must be good. Or at least, could become good.

 But no. Some people who are “Avoidantly Attached” in their lives are able to step forward and claim a real connection with the vehicle of sex. A temporary connection. Haven’t you heard people say the sex is good but they don’t like each other much?

 Grace, the main character in Bring Love and Sex Together, walks us through sex with a man she was about to break up with. She takes you into the bedroom and walks you through their interaction.

“We walked right into Stanley’s bedroom from the font door. We both knew what we had agreed to, so there was no point in having a glass of wine or some other social activity. Standing by the bed, Stanley took of his clothes with an affectionate look on his face. I started taking mine off, too. He came to me and ran his hands gently over my shoulders my neck and then my face. He kissed my nose and my forehead, and then my mouth. We brought our naked bodies together during a wonderful long kiss, feeling that skin contact that I think I missed as much as sex itself.

It went on like that. We didn’t talk about what we were doing, we just did it. It seemed that we were perfectly matched sexually because anything I wanted to do next, he was doing. All I did was think about getting oral, and he was moving down on me. My hands seemed to know just where to touch him and how, and I let them lead. We moved into one position after another in the most effortless way, our bodies seeming to decide without our will being involved.

I can’t even remember the order of things. I know his penis in my mouth was incredible, I think the most luscious experience of it I had had. I didn’t want him to take it out, and I knew I would want it back in over and over. This wasn’t going to be our only night of love making.

Love making. Here I was with this defensive guy who couldn’t talk about things, but who could get my body to melt into him, become one with him, exist in complete intuitive knowing. How could this be?

We didn’t talk about coming. After a couple of hours of play, he was inside me, moving in perfect rhythm, my body not even feeling the in and out, just the joining.

He looked into my face the whole time, knowing what was going on with me, so I wasn’t surprised that as I started to come, his thrusting changed, and he did too. We didn’t make sounds when coming. It seemed that our eyes opened more widely and our breath deepened, but no sounds came out of either of us.

Stanley dropped down onto me, and we lay like that for a few minutes. I was stunned. This was the last thing I expected.

He rolled off me and sat up, now with an arm behind my head. “Grace,” he said in a thick voice, “we were making love, weren’t we?” I nodded.

“How did it happen?” I asked. “I really didn’t expect to be able to…. I don’t have words for it.”

“Me either.” He pulled the covers up over us. “You’ll stay the night, won’t you?”

I hadn’t brought stay over clothes, makeup etc., but the thought of getting up and going home held no appeal.

I slept hard, and woke to the smell of coffee. But instead of bringing cups to the bed, Stanley got back in and started kissing me. We made love, that is after I used the bathroom, washed up, and rinsed my mouth with his mouthwash. Again it was wonderful. Easy. Loving.

He took me home at my insistence, dropped me off, and planned to get together later in the day. After my shower I called Ginger. “I really really need to talk,” I proclaimed.

“When?” she asked. “I’m free all afternoon, was planning on spending it at the library, want to meet on campus?”

I poured out everything that happened after we left the two of them. How I was sure Stanley wasn’t the one, and decided to have sex as an experiment, as data collecting from which to develop hypotheses. She laughed, asking if that wasn’t one of the finest rationalizations she had ever heard.

I laughed too. But look what I learned.

“What about the way he was out of bed,” I said. “He was blaming and critical, and acting like I was harming him. Isn’t that who he is? So we feel loving now after wonderful sex. Will that sustain us?”

“I wish I had an answer for that,” Ginger said. “I think one purpose of love making is to bring two people into focus. It did that for you guys last night. But we don’t know what will happen over weeks or months. You talk about sexual shame, and how it changes the sex over time. Maybe you have to keep this experiment going to learn what comes next.”

“You are so wise, Ginger. Of course that’s what I have to do. I can’t predict or control this. My purpose in life is to learn. Be curious and learn. And then hopefully eventually teach.”

Grace studies sex from her own experience, and conversations with others throughout the novel, Bring Love and Sex Together. This link takes you to the book on Kindle. I hope you love it!